i spend a lot of my time in my room crying thinking it will get better. it won't.

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nobody will believe me unless im dead and itll be too late

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its all so fucking ironic considering because of this very same condition i wanted to die by 16

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just so i wouldnt have to see anyone in my family die

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i feel the judgement around me and i think it's just a loop in my life i can't escape.

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had to pray everynight growing up mention everyones names and any and every possibility of anything bad happening

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just so it wouldnt happen

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if i ran away, i wouldn't have anywhere to go

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all my life i was restricted by possessive parents.

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and i wasnt diagnosed with anything else but anxiety until i was 15

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i have no friends to talk to bc they all get fed up of having sm1 they can't hang out with

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apparently suicidal ideation social isolation and all of these extreme fucked up anxiety fits is just generalised anxiety disorder

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i feel like i wasn't made for this life

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which i do have i guess but really it was ocd and asd

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i dont know do names even matter

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i just wish i didnt feel this way

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i thought going on medication when i was 11 would fix me

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i saw how much they cared for me when it was my bday and no one checked up on me

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for anxiety

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i feel like a ghost

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now im on like 5 different pills for 10 different reasons and nothing is helping

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a burden in their life

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ive started a new one and all i can think about is possible side effects

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its going to kill me my organs are going to fail my brain will shut down ill have an allergic reaction alone and nobody will find me until im already dead

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idk why i resorted to venting on a random website

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its a fucking medication for epilepsy

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i also dk why i thought this would help

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but im taking it just because i cant stay normal for longer than a week

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i really hate this

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it makes me so sad to be alone with myself like this

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but i do believe i have nothing to look forward to here further

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but i dont want to be in hospital again

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my legs still fucking hurt

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i need to eat better and do better so i stop feeling this way

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because its like what everyone told me growing up that im just not doing enough for myself

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its all up to me

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never did good enough never going to do good enough

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i mean im probably only like this because everything i did growing up had to be watched and redone in front of me so i could learn

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my dad wasnt around and i got sick a lot and i was bullied

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it shouldnt still matter

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