I guess I'll end it here. Screaming into the void only does so much.

I both hate myself and want to die, and feel I deserve better and want to rage

If only I could project my pain onto others, so they knew how I felt, would they feel sympathy then?

Or do I leave them to dwell on where it went wrong forever?

If I was to die, should I even bother trying to tell them what they did wrong?

And I want them to feel pain for it

People have WRONGED me

But I really don't know how else to cope at times

I get bothered by my revenge fantasies

I'd make a certain orange fall from terminal velocity height

I'd love to make my stalker eat his own dick

The people on my shitlist would SUFFER if I had the power

I'd rip some people's heads off if I could

Maybe this world deserves to fall apart like what's happening right now

And this world gives me jackshit in return

I feel like I've put up with so much

They'd not even last a month

I just want to show them how hard it can be, put them in my shoes

Being Autistic is such a frustrating experience

I feel so different, so alien

I hate my disability

I don't think I'll survive the year at this rate

I don't even feel safe in my own home

But I don't know what to do.

And perhaps a small piece of me who still cares can't go through with it

But I'm just a frail woman who can hardly lift a 40 pound bag

I want to honestly beat the shit out of both of them.

But I'm tired of playing along

Try to make me compliant again

They only pretend to be

My family isn't really sorry

I don't want to die, but at the same time I see nothing left for me of value.

I'm so scared of death though

I just want my agony to end

I'm so tired

I try so hard to give my best every day, but my best is getting worse

Always got the short end of the stick being a disabled woman.

I feel like such a shit stain of a human.

If a nuke dropped nearby, I'd just accept my fate with apathy.

I'm so ready for it to be over.