getting better is so hard

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ive been working so hard to learn how to cope with everything

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so i get scared when im happy that ill just end up sad again

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its chronic so ill probably be this way for the rest of my life

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thanks to my dad

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and to my friends

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and my family

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i mean its not their fault really just my dads i think

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its just everybody left me to deal with things by myself at the ripe age of 11

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to getting mediocre mental health care until i was 14 when i was kicked out of camhs for being in there for too long

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i think thats when i became clinically depressed truly

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i lost my only friends, my online friends and my grandma died

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then i got hospitalised for trying to commit suicide

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so

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Fuck u talaga raboco at kausapin sana mamatay na kayonh dalwa

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Sobrang mental angusih dinulotnyo

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im on a high dose of anti depressants and adhd medication

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and low dose of antipsychotics

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because i have ocd apparently

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along with the depression

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and the anxiety

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and the adhd

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i also stopped going outside so she also diagnosed me with agoraphobia

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it wasnt a choice not going outside tbh i just couldnt

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cuz with my luck i was bullied at school the same time my dad started sexually and physically abusing me

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ive been forced to go outside, so i cope with, well when it gets bad enough ill fucking blow my brains out

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thats honestly why i tried kms

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didnt even do it bad enough though

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just got a fancy bandaid and was put in a hospital

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it sucks because im surrounded by very happy people

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yknow like everyones been very lucky and successful

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i hate sticking out

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i love my family and family friends

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i actually dont mind happy people, let them be happy, its the sad fucks who wallow non stop, yes your life sucks, but like so does most others

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but im so jealous

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especially of my sister lol

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she struggled too but then she picked everything back up and kept on moving

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im only slowly doing that now

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after 5 years

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shes going to uni lol

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