then of course when i would sleep in his bed

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he would touch me

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in my sleep

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idefk

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then all of the shit when i refused going to school because i was being bullied

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at like 11 i was forced to be naked around the house because i wasnt at school

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or when he was really angry he would drag me by my wrists and lock me outside naked

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never bruised me though

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so no proof of anything

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and when my mum came home she would get angry at me for not going to school

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so no shit im fucked up

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lol

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i was so angry at everyone

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JAWATAN BOHONG DIPERLUKAN

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but i kept it all inside

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like i used to regress into this young child like mind state

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build pillow forts and hide under my desk

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and do nothing but sit there

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because it felt safe

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i was so young and i refused help from everybody after my parents started getting a divorce because i had no hope left for the world

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i was so depressed

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like since i was 10 i would hit myself just so my mum would notice

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then i started pinching myself with craft scissors

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would show it to my mum and she would tell me "You dont want to go down that road" and leave it at that

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i kept on doing it obviously

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because that was the only road i felt safest going down

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staying in my room and being sad

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she still doesnt get it

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nobody gets it but me

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im trying to get my therapist to understand

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but its hard

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i dont think ill ever be able to be vulnerable with a man again

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but i have problems with women too

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i lie to feel safe

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ive been flirted with but i actually just cant stand it

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because it all leads to sex

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and i never want to be touched sexually ever again

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it would be so much easier for my mind if he actually just went through with killing himself when i was 11

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i probably wouldve never tried killing myself last year

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if he had

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