The light came down like it was going down a pipe and when it reached the end of the mid wall it made the room a dark red

50103 - 

but around my family im never like that, im completely different, im normal

50104 - 

does it help when it's a genuine conversation, not forced smalltalk or something?

49730 - 

why cant i be like around everybody

50104 - 

no its just like everything

50104 - 

I hate my fucking sibling

42805 - 

if its not something im experience on or know a lot about, im a complete idiot

50104 - 

don't say that

49730 - 

im probably better at smalltalk because its predictable

50104 - 

i can fake smalltalk

50104 - 

straight a's an the ability to communicate on here means you're not an idiot

49730 - 

I can't fake small talks

42805 - 

i can fake it too, not well but i can

49730 - 

Fuckkkk

42805 - 

and its just like whenever i talk, i can see the reactions, im being weird, but i dont know why, im trying so hard

50104 - 

I hate thiss

42805 - 

or am i just imagining and assuming their reactions?

50104 - 

Small talk either goes really well or I ruin it by saying something awkward

50094 - 

i cant trust my own thoughts or perceptions anymore

50104 - 

socializing has become my nightmare

50104 - 

that's the issue with neurodivergence and hyper self awareness

49730 - 

hyper self awareness?

50104 - 

thats when i heard the media go off in the backdrop and i felt intense fear like none other because at the time i interpretated it was God’s wrath on things unmentioned.

50103 - 

not a specific term

49730 - 

what does it mean

50104 - 

just that you understand the situation you find yourself in, but are unable to do anything to fix it

49730 - 

that sounds accurate

50104 - 

the problem is all the advice you'll ever get are the things that self awareness tells you

49730 - 

its just like i never really noticed this problem until i got to college

50104 - 

means there's no fucking solution from most of that like there are for a lot of people

49730 - 

what was hs like?

49730 - 

but then again i havent done much socualizing in highschool

50104 - 

lonely

50104 - 

i had a boyfriend in sophomore year but he was awful and my friends were awful so

50104 - 

ditched them

50104 - 

after that i just changed

50104 - 

I didnt talk to people and they didnt talk to me. I had one friend

50106 - 

i dont know what happened

50104 - 

i miss my old self

50104 - 

hs ig is just a bunch of teens forcefully put in a building together, college people expect you to want to be there and therefore try and socialize/interact more

49730 -