I think Michelle many was trying to make me feel suicidal. Also she hated me. Everyone has a problem with me. I don't know why. Everyone hates me everywhere. Everyone wishes i never existed.

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Some part of me feels i wish i was on an island without anyone

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I hate people back then. I rather be alone instead. People make my life miserable they just make me wish i wasn't born or that i never met them.

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I hate people if they hate me. I hate people now. People pick on me and blame me. Everyone has a problem with me. I don't know why everyone hates me so much.

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Hello?

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heyy

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back here again yay. Feeling terrible about past friendships so yeah just here

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Can i vent?

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of course

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im sorry yellow :( people really suck sometimes

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Nobody takes my ptsd seriously and idk how to make ppl see that its so bad without opening up

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have you tried to open up about it before?

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Yeah but i never can get to the worser parts

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wish i still didnt think about them and what could have happened if they really could have gotten better or if they would just continued to use me

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honestly to one of them i felt like nothing. like i was a goal for them to reach. i felt like they only talked to me to get together and when that did happen when i said there was no interest in sex

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it felt like they got distant

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and when i finally broke it off and begged to just go back to a friendship they lied and said sure but they were only staying around in the hopes id want to go back together

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liek they thought the break upwas a phase that id get over and when they realized i didnt want to go back to a relationship they stopped caring for me

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id never felt so abandoned and lonely in the moment i just felt like a fucking toy to them to get a quick satisfaction

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im so sorry to interrupt but is your name hailey?

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me? no i dont know a hailey

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im not a hailey *

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oh okay sorry your situation seems so similar to one of my friends

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ah i guess it makes sense

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but uh yeah back to what i was saying just feel a bit used and after i left that relationship/friendship i never felt so alone

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these past couple months ive been trying to rebuild new friendships and reignate old ones but its been hard and sometimes i feel lonely

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especially sense i had lost contact with so many of my closer and older friends because of that stuff

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im pretty sure i may be aro/ace and i only ever entered those relationships out of the pressure

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the fear that i had to be in it because it was a close friend that i felt comfy and open with

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honestly because of those experience

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i fuckign dread the idea that someone could be into me romantically

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im fucking terrified that it turns out a friend is only talking to me to date me or hook up or something

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any time anyone is a bit too friendly too quickly i feel so much fucking anxiety i just want to have friends without the pre-concieved idea that maybe we will get together

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i want to be able to be open and vulnerable and be kind to people without them thinking im secretly massively crushing on them when i just want to be me

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without them feigning friendship for so many fucking years just to burn it down and get mad when i say no or enter a relationship out of aforementioned pressure

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sorry for the ranting if anyones actually reading feels nice to just get this off my chest

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just to not feel as alone as ive been :)

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My sisters tell me the meanest of things and then expect me to go out on a trip with them

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hi

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my grandpa died i dont know how to cope

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