Like i need to fill my brain but its not hitting the same

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humans are capable of surviving without being parasites

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Sitting and typing is helping honestly

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Maybe i just need an outlet but dont have one or something

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but they just choose to be one

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Im scared ill start a hobby and never finish it

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Like guitar or something

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I dont want to be the person who picks one up every few months and gives up

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But it happens with everything so i just give up

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Before i even start

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I miss having friends whod log on every night and play games with me

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I miss the minecraft servers n shit wed give up on

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I miss playing among us every so often because we wanted to

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I miss the shitty games nobody likes, but with friends

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Id never play fortnite again if i had the choice but with other people there it was actually fun

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I miss just sitting in a call and playing pokemon fire red

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I miss being wanted

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I always got dropped eventually

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I dont know if its me or if its the people ive been friends with

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Not all of them are mad at me, most of them are

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Usually i did something stupid

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Like what?

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I punched someone, she threw rocks at me and said " i know youll punch me if i threw these " and in the moment i went for it

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Am I cooked if I had suicidal thoughts since elementary?

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I ripped her piercing, and i apologised but shes still a bit spiteful

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Which is fair tbh

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Weve talked since but i cant tell how angry she is

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U were joking between yourselves?

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I thought so

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Hey guys but seriously is a bad thing I've had suicidal thoughts since elementary? I've been watching murder cases and I'm scared I'll end up like a killer or something and I don't want to hurt anyone

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but I'm scared

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i really am

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Then why u hitted her? Out of impulse?

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It was very in-the-moment for me, i dont know how much ive made up

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She said she knew id do it if she threw them, that put the idea in my head, i went for it because i thought itd be funny and underestimated the damage

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If watching murder cases is giving u intrusive thoughts, you should d stop watching it

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What happened with others friends?

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I had an online friend who stalked me and my relatives social media after i explicitly told him not to. I had to drop him, im 100% sure hes in the wrong for that one.

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Alright, but with the people you want to talk to again, have them told you explicitly that they're mad st you?

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I had two others who were like my best friends yk. I think i came off as a bit too much and wed argue a lot and eventually they dropped me because they said they were " tired of me".

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