and I think I reached "the wall" with a topic I could safely talk there

95995 - 

Wdym

97095 - 

because I wouldnt want to feel afraid of therapist calling some people

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because of topic of suicide

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Ah

97095 - 

Well you can say it here

97095 - 

if I cant talk freely, it doesnt feel like being honest

95995 - 

Right

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and its like suppresion

95995 - 

I absolutley cant tell a therapist what i think

97095 - 

I would probably get angry by that alone

95995 - 

Its really sick and it scares me

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Like really bad

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so it would be countering the whole point of therapy

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I guess

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Because for some reason i feel like id deserve it

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And im so scared ill do it one day

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I m more scared of pain and suffering

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than killing myself

95995 - 

Right now i want to live i think

97095 - 

But in the back of my mind i get worried

97095 - 

I dont want to risk

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I dont want to risk suffering and causing suffering

95995 - 

What if i get so bad that i torture myself before i die

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What if i get to the point where i act out these thoughts and i die in pain

97095 - 

I dont want to be in pain

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yeah

95995 - 

me too

95995 - 

i see life as cruel for that

95995 - 

I dont understand why i feel like i deserve it

97095 - 

Ive been pu ching myself recently

97095 - 

I have some bruises on my arms and they hurt

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Im worried ill go past that

97095 - 

I see it as life harming in another way

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harming what life actually caused

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so its another "weapon" seems like

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of life causing suffering by guilt

95995 - 

Like am i going to start stabbing myself one day

97095 - 

Its just scary

97095 - 

but it felt like, without going full "attempt" it seemed quite risky

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