Its so confusing

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yeah

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its weird

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And i feel like everyday i just get worse

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at least for me

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And i want to get therapy but im too scared

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it seems so expensive to me

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And my friends want me to get bet5er but i cant

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Usually insurance csn cover it

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But not mine

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and I think I reached "the wall" with a topic I could safely talk there

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Wdym

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because I wouldnt want to feel afraid of therapist calling some people

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because of topic of suicide

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Ah

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Well you can say it here

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if I cant talk freely, it doesnt feel like being honest

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Right

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and its like suppresion

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I absolutley cant tell a therapist what i think

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I would probably get angry by that alone

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Its really sick and it scares me

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Like really bad

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so it would be countering the whole point of therapy

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I guess

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Because for some reason i feel like id deserve it

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And im so scared ill do it one day

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I m more scared of pain and suffering

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than killing myself

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Right now i want to live i think

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But in the back of my mind i get worried

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I dont want to risk

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I dont want to risk suffering and causing suffering

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What if i get so bad that i torture myself before i die

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What if i get to the point where i act out these thoughts and i die in pain

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I dont want to be in pain

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yeah

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me too

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i see life as cruel for that

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I dont understand why i feel like i deserve it

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