Being stuck with extreme CPTSD is agony

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I keep having nightmares

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I block people and ghost them for no reason other than a bad feeling

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Other than being skeptical

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That’s just how I am because I’m scared

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I’m scared of connection, I’m scared of creating deep emotional bonds because I’ve been discarded my entire life

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i tell you about my abandonment issues, and you leave me. how could you? i trusted you

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I live only in the moment

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But also in the past because it keeps haunting me

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i hope you die, i hate you

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I just had a nightmare about my rapist

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He still haunts me

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I won’t ever trust again

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Even when someone promises not to leave or betray me, they somehow end up doing it, so that’s why I’m constantly guarded

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If I share anything about myself, I tend to push them away because I get scarsd

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Scared

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There’s no moment in my life that I feel safe

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Growing up in an environment where you learn not to trust others really fucks you up

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Even after sharing so much with some girl I considered a close friend, she discards me for no reason other than just not wanting to be friends anymore

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Fuck you, Vic

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I hope your ugly loser of a boyfriend cheats on you with the entire town and gives you an STD.

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And I hope you never meet your father.

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I trusted you.

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but this is the last straw for me to trust anybody

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And after this I’ve truly stopped trusting

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Even my closest friends

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Even my best friend that I’m so close to that we’ve even held hands on the toilet together LMFAII

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She’s even investigated my fucking hemmorrhoids

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Yet I don’t fully trust her

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Even though we’ve been friends for over a decade

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5 years old and we became friends

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But people can still change and turn their backs to you, can they not?

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I love her

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But I will never truly trust her because I don’t even trust myself

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What makes you think I’ll ever trust any new people I let into my life if I can’t even trust her or myself for that matter

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My betrayal trauma has fucked me up so badly

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I can never trust people again.

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Sometimes I wonder if life is worth living when I can’t have deep human connection

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And when the effects of all the sexual abuse still haunts me

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I still feel dirty

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