he went into cardiac arrest yesterday

14764 - 

but he didnt die

14764 - 

makes me feel so bitter

14764 - 

like i somewhat in some small part of me wanted him dead

14764 - 

really i just think i want him to disappear from my life all together

14764 - 

what he did to me when i was awake

14764 - 

what he did to my family

14764 - 

what he did to me when i was trying to sleep

14764 - 

i want it all to disappear

14764 - 

i cant tell anyone about it

14764 - 

i could never tell my brother he still cares for him

14764 - 

i have all of this bottled up

14764 - 

I did the one thing I promised my mom I wouldnt.

63230 - 

i never really thought about it for 5 years

14764 - 

but now that my nightmares are back i cant stop thinking about it

14764 - 

makes me want to tell everyone

14764 - 

i want people to know im hurt

14764 - 

because really my dad did take advantage of me in my sleep

14764 - 

my family knows all of the things he did normally everyday in my life

14764 - 

I told my mom I wouldnt use it for anything other than its use. And I found myself doing the opposide

63230 - 

but nobody knows what he did when it was just him and me alone in hte house

14764 - 

im scared theyll blame me for it

14764 - 

lol it actually wouldve just been easier if i died with my one and only attempt last year

14764 - 

if i died last year

14764 - 

i think things would be well

14764 - 

i never tried killing myself before or after that

14764 - 

but sometimes i really just want to rest like how i used to

14764 - 

if i tell my therapist she'll worry

14764 - 

in a professional way

14764 - 

tell my psychiatrist

14764 - 

i hated the hospital

14764 - 

ive never told anyone anything

14764 - 

is it so bad i wish my dad just died yesterday

14764 - 

i feel like him surviving makes me more tired

14764 - 

i dont even know if hes telling the truth

14764 - 

he makes up stories this could just be one to make me feel bad so i talk to him more

14764 - 

but going into cardiac arrest

14764 - 

i hate it

14764 - 

i wish he were never my dad

14764 - 

hi

63445 -