at least at 10 years old i could talk to my male cousin

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i know mental illness can distort the world for people and i suffer from it too but trying to committ in that situation? crazy

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be normal right

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i dont even know if i was really normal though because now im starting to think i just didnt realise

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5 suicides, 3 r*pes, 2 murders, 15 random accidents, and 2 car crashes in one night

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with all of these big diagnosises i dont know what to do

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ive been trialling different medications since i was 11

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16:30-05:15 all that happened

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havent had any friends since i was 13

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i just got back to my dorm

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im supposed to be doing great though

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then i start college in august for 12 fucking years

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i just cant focus or regulate my emotions and im constantly ruminating about anything

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and nobody can fucking fix it

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because it all starts from nightmares or arguments or an embarrassment in public

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i find it really hard to feel ok

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autism doesnt even matter the social aspects of my life dont matter

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its just my fucking ocd

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it makes everything worse

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and i probably wouldnt have it if i wasnt assaulted

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wouldnt have been bullied as much

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well idk

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i knew girls stopped liking me because i wasnt showering and brushing my teeth and hair

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refused to talk about puberty because i was so afraid of it manifesting because of my dad

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even though it was destined to happen to me anyway

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its fine

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none of this matters

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the fuck am i even going on about

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im diagnosed now so i can get a support worker to help me

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be less stupid

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i can go outside and go on buses and trains and walk across roads

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without fainting or throwing up

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so useless

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i am trying though i am

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i havent been purposefully letting my life go to shit

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if i were i would be smoking and drinking like my dad

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i wouldnt be a year clean from sh

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actually though lol i might die from this

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and none of it will matter

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im on so many different pills i could go right now

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