obviously i know that because im grown up and i feel it

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but i guess it feels a bit different because i havent had a proper social life since i was 10

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idk how to be normal

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i can wear makeup and dress to a point that other girls will compliment me in passing

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but nobody actually can stand a conversation with me

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i mean ive only just recently learnt in the past year or two how to smile at strangers properly

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ive had to relearn a lot of things

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my brain reset when i was sexually assaulted i think

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it happened and that was that but it was also everything before and after

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like how i stopped fitting in because i refused to shower and stuff because of the abuse

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lowkey friendship is not fun though

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well my only experience is child friendships

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so it doesnt mean anything

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actually it kind of does

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comparing that to the way girls at 18 act now

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i just dont know

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i dont want to be in any kind of relationship ever

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idk

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im an adult soon i should be normal and good

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study get married have children work socialise

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im just scared of men and of the social hierarchy women make

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im overthinking

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i actually need to get a job though

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i wanna be happy

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none of this anxiety trauma shit

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ocd is the reason im depressed

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but im on the highest dose of a medication for ocd

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a dose so high it could kill a dog

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or like a

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dolphin

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im too fucking skinny

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and ive got all these new freckles from trying to go outside more to be less pale but i osmehow didnt tan and just got mroe freckles

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not even ginger

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skin cancer everywhere

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I have anxiety thinking abt school

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It's friday night

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And school starts tuesday

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I haven't started on my homework

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It should be done on this one week holiday

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*cries*

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